<TITLE>31. Par 97-98</TITLE>L-97 The nurse come in, looked at the baby and crossed its little hands. She come picked me up, went out. Few days later we took her up there on the hill, Brother Smith, the Methodist preacher standing there preaching the funeral. When they went to lower her down with her Mother, I looked at her. He got some clods of dirt in his hand, walked around, looked over at me, and turned his head; he just... Oh, I just couldn't stand it. Had little Billy Paul leaning on my arm here, eighteen months old. I said, "Billy, honey, someday you and I will go see Mommy and sissy." I heard him throw that clods on top of that casket, saying, "Ashes to ashes, and dust to dust, earth to earth." Oh, my, it seemed like coming down through the little maple trees, the breeze started blowing, saying, "There's a land beyond the river, that they call the sweet forever; we only reach that shore by faith decree; one by one we gain the portal, there to dwell with the Immortal; someday they'll ring those golden bells for you and me." I turned from the grave.
I thought, "Oh, poor little old Billy, setting over my arm, didn't know what it was all about. I'd get his bottles, and put them in my pocket, and pack him like this, and walk the streets. Back and down to the... One night it'd like to kill me. I'd walk him in my arms like this; he's crying for his mother; didn't have any mother to go to. And I was walking back to the yard like this, he said, "Daddy, where is my mama?"
I said, "She went to see Jesus."
He said, "When she coming back, I want her?"
I said, "Well, honey, I don't know. She'll come back."
I started walking like this, I turned the tree where my old folks used to set. I had a little hunting dog out there; I was going to go pet it. He looked at me, said, "Daddy, I thought I seen mother up there inside that cloud."
Oh, I almost fell with the little fellow; I was staggering around, fell on then. Oh, I just couldn't get up. Hour passed, poor little fellow, setting there crying for his mama. I thought, "God... Oh, I know I've I done wrong, but I... Someday it'll be different, surely.

L-98 I went on, tried to go to work. And I remember one morning, I went to work, Public Service Company, working on lines. I climbed up a pole one morning, and I was singing real early. I was singing,
On the hill far away stood an old rugged cross,
The emblem of suffering and shame.
While I was there I happened to look up, and the sun was coming this way, and my, the sun shining against me and on them cross irons of that pole, there it was, like a body moving, the shadow on the side of the hill of the cross. I thought, "Yes, that's right, my sins put Him there. Oh," I said, "God." I just couldn't stand it; I could understand my wife going, but my baby. I couldn't get that baby, why did God take it?
I looked down; I got real nervous; I pulled off my rubber glove, twenty-three hundred running right here by me. I said, "God, I hate to be a coward, but Sharon, daddy's coming home to see you in a few minutes." I pulled the glove off, intending to put my hand on that wire. It'd broke every bone in your body. I'd just got beyond myself; I was going crazy. I couldn't settle myself. And how I ever got off of that pole, I know not yet. But when I come to myself, I was setting down by the pole all hunkered down like this, a crying. And great drops of sticky perspiration was all over me. I believe if God hadn't foreordained, I believe in foreordination. [Blank.spot.on.tape--Ed.]...?... I'd have died right there.


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